Saturday, 13 January 2018

My Central American Adventure: DAY 26 - PLANET EARTH - A YEAR SINCE MY FATHER'S PASSING.


The reason this blog post is labelled planet earth is that quite frankly I could be anywhere and I'd still be feeling how I am feeling today. Costa Rica, Rome or Timbuktu, I would still be feeling this way. You see I could run away from Christmas and New Years Eve just fine, but the year anniversary of my father's death, I just could not. I can't stop thinking that this time a year ago he was still here and that from this point onwards it will be over a year since I last saw my precious Daddy. 

I miss my Dad's cheeky jokes, his quirky energy and his brutal honesty. There have been so many times on this trip that I wish I could just call him up and update him on what has been happening. Everyone keeps telling me how proud he would be about me being here, but I am pretty sure he would have been a bit worried about his little girl gallivanting around Central America alone! I'm not scared to do it because what's the worst that can happen? Death? He has set the golden pathway for me, so that is not something I fear anymore. I'm actually quite looking forward to it. 

Since being in Central America, I have dreamed about my Dad twice, I wrote about the first one somewhere in my Guatemala posts, but the second one was yesterday. My Dad was on a computer in my house, where his ashes now are. He was freezing cold and irresponsive. I was trying so desperately to hug him and keep him warm, and telling him to go to sleep. Then I was with a boyfriend, or someone who loved me, and with my Pops, and we were standing in the streets, and suddenly, every single light went out. I knew that the government had cut all of the electric and any source of light, and we were standing in complete pitch black. Earlier in this trip, My friends and I sat in a cave in the pitch black for a while, and as peaceful as it is, it's also terrifying. Anyway, I think it is time to spread my Dad's ashes free into the place he has asked us to. He would want to be as free as a bird, as free as the wind and as free as the sea!

I don't like to think of myself as someone who mopes, but I'll be honest, that is exactly what I have done today. I haven't stopped crying. The man who owns the place I am staying in told me that I could stay in my room when I am at home and that I've spent money for nothing if I don't go out. 'Cheeky sod' I thought, but I suppose he is right really, and tomorrow I will wake up and be my strong self again. Things like that don't make me angry because he doesn't know my story. He is just trying to be helpful and just because something in my life has been a bit shit, doesn't mean I have to go with it. 

Anyway, I've been a hermit because I just miss my Dad so much and I can't stop having flashbacks of the end of his life and his funeral. Speaking of his funeral, I chose a song by Celine Dion because every single lyric meant something to me and was true to what my father did for me, so I shall share it on here:  

For all those times you stood by me,
For all the truth that you made me see, 
For all the joy you brought to my life, 
For all the wrong that you made right, 
For every dream, you made come true,
For all the love I found in you, 
I'll be forever thankful, Daddy,

You're the one who held me up, 
Never let me fall,
You're the one who saw me through, through it all,
You were my strength when I was weak,
You were my voice when I couldn't speak,
You were my eyes when I couldn't see,
You saw the best there was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,
You gave me faith 'cause you believed.
I'm everything I am, 
Because you loved me.

You gave me wings and made me fly,
You touched my hand I could touch the sky,
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me,
You said no star was out of reach,
You stood by me and I stood tall, 

I had your love, I had it all,
I'm grateful for each day you gave me,
Maybe I don't know that much,
But I know this much is true,
I was blessed because I was loved by you.

You were my strength when I was weak,
You were my voice when I couldn't speak,
You were my eyes when I couldn't see, 
You saw the best there was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,
You gave me faith 'cause you believed.
I'm everything I am,
Because you loved me.

You were always there for me,
The tender wind that carried me,
A light in the dark, shining your love into my life, 
You've been my inspiration,
Through the lies, you were the truth,
My world is a better place because of you!

You were my strength when I was weak,
You were my voice when I couldn't speak,
You were my eyes when I couldn't see,
You saw the best there was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,
You gave me faith 'cause you believed, 
I'm everything I am,
Because you loved me.
I'm everything I am, 
Because you loved me.

I'm everything I am,
Because you loved me.

Random memories popping into my head right now:
* My Dad's constant need to blast music out constantly, no matter what the time of night or morning! Especially Celine Dion, Phantom of the Opera and Westlife!
* My Dad cracking up when he realised Celine Dion's song says 'hot dogs' instead of 'heart does'.
* Sitting in my mini version of my Dad's big boy's chair next to his big version of it, watching him laugh and copying him because I didn't understand the humour of what he was watching and I idealised his every move.
* Going to Ireland with my Dad and starting my period. I remember him buying me period supplies while I hid behind a pillar because I was too embarrassed as if it wasn't obvious it was for me. 
* Coming home from camping once and running straight into my Dad's arms. He said he'd missed me so much, and I had missed him too. He had decorated the whole house in Christmas decorations and he made us a fake Christmas dinner and we spent the evening so happy to be back in one another's company. That's the thing, this man wasn't just my Dad, he was my best of best friends too and we loved one another's company! 
* Going to school with my Dad in the mornings was the best, what a father for always giving me lifts everywhere!
* He ALWAYS, always fought my corner. I remember him marching into school once because they tried to isolate me for writing a note, that never happened, my Dad would never allow his child to be treated as anything less than free.
* The day before my Dad died we had so many special cuddles and moments. He shouted my name on the way into the ambulance, only to ask for his slippers hahaha.

Yeah, this blog post is a bit random, it's very here, there and everywhere, which makes sense, because so are my emotions. I write these sorts of posts because I trust in the Universe that if you are losing someone or have lost someone and find yourself reading this, then you are meant to be reading this, and I hope it helps you to see somewhat that we all have our bad days and grief isn't something you can skip. You can be staying in paradise and you're going to have to feel it. It is perfectly normal and okay to feel whatever you are feeling! 

The cure for grief is motion, but we can remain motionless for just a moment to honour, pay homage and respect those who have impacted and enhanced our lives.

I love you Dad, wherever you are, I loved you then, I love you still, I always have and I always will.

Peace Out Potatoes xo



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